your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
thus making me awesome and them whores
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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