She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
