Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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