What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
