so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
