a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
