batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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