Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
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On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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