I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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