there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
