wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
