I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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