I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
