You smell like stripper and shame
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
