I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
