you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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