I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pants are for mortals
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
