Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
