Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
