If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
