I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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