i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
