why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
