Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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