This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
