Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
