ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
