you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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