do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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