I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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