I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
