I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just threw up on my dentist
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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