I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
