If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
