This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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