You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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