I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
try to milk me bitch
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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