I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
