I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize