My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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