You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
