the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
