I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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