Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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