you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
