Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
