Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
time to smoke my breakfast
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
