70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
