is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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