I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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