Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
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Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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