omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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