Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I am midnight drunk by noon
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
