UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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