I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
PANTIES FOUND
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